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 Posted: Fri Apr 4th, 2008 02:43 am
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Dixie Girl
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a preacher moved into a new town and built a church. one day he was out on a street going house to house to invite people for the Sunday service. the man came the first of three houses on a street and knocked on the door. a big woman answered it and said Conway Twitty!!! and the man said no im just a new preacher that came to invite you to church and she slammed the door in his face. he moved on to the next house and knocked on the door and a teenie bopper answers and goes Conway Twitty!!! and he says no im just a new preacher that came to invite you to church and she slammed the door in his face. he then moved on to the last house on the street and a beautiful half dressed woman answers and goes Conway Twitty!!! and the preacher says Hello Darlin!!!



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War Means Fighting And Fighting Means Killing - N. B. Forrest When war does come, my advice is to draw the sword and throw away the scabbard." Stonewall Jackson


 Posted: Fri Apr 4th, 2008 08:39 pm
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David White
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Nice ones Dixie Girl. :D



 Posted: Fri Aug 8th, 2008 03:40 am
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Dixie Girl
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one day me and my friend got on a train and all the cars were full except one. it only had one man in it so me and my friend sat across from him. after a while i felt like i was being watched so i looked at him and found that he was staring at me. so my friend eventually fell asleep and i was left to stare back at the man. after a while we came to a long tunnel and the man jumped up and grabbed me and kissed me. when we got on the other side of the tunnel and sat down the man said you know that tunnel bak there cost over two million dollars to make and i said well it was worth every cent of it!!!



____________________
War Means Fighting And Fighting Means Killing - N. B. Forrest When war does come, my advice is to draw the sword and throw away the scabbard." Stonewall Jackson


 Posted: Tue Aug 12th, 2008 03:16 am
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44th Post
Dixie Girl
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one day a man was walkin in a alley and he found a lamp. he picked it up and dusted it off with his shirt and out popped a genie. the genie said thank you for releasing me and for a reward im gonna grant you three wishes. the man said i dont need three i only need one. so the genie said ok what is your wish? the man said i wanna be 10 billion times smarter than anyone else on the planet, so the genie turned him into a woman!!!



____________________
War Means Fighting And Fighting Means Killing - N. B. Forrest When war does come, my advice is to draw the sword and throw away the scabbard." Stonewall Jackson


 Posted: Fri Aug 15th, 2008 03:02 am
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45th Post
Dixie Girl
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Funeral
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.'

'What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying t o help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Get in line.'



____________________
War Means Fighting And Fighting Means Killing - N. B. Forrest When war does come, my advice is to draw the sword and throw away the scabbard." Stonewall Jackson


 Posted: Thu Aug 21st, 2008 03:21 am
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46th Post
Dixie Girl
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30 things a girl should know about guys
(my friend sent this to me and i thought i would share it)


1. We're not as perverted as you think we all are.
>
>
>
>
> 2. No matter what YOU say, your ex-boyfriend IS a
> LOSER.
>
>
>
> 3. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes
> too.
>
>
> 4. Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful.
>
>
>
>
> 5. Don't treat us like crap, what goes around comes
> around.
>
>
>
>
> 6. We know you're pretty, that's one of the reason's
> we're going out
> with you.
>
>
>
> 7. Don't go into detail about your period. It scares
> us.
>
>
>
>
> 8. If you have cramps and we ask you what's wrong,
> just tell us it's
> that time of the month and nothing more.
>
>
> 9. If you really liked us for us, you would let us
> think that our
> mustache, beard, or sideburns looked cool.
>
>
>
>
> 10. We never shave our legs. So get over it.
>
>
>
>
> 11. NEVER ask us if you can put makeup on us. It's
> just
> wrong............
>
>
>
>
> 12. Don't make bets about us, because one of your
> friends will tell
> us, if you don't.
>
>
>
>
> 13. When we tell you that you're not fat, believe us.
>
>
> 14. We absolutely do not care about the Backstreet
> Boys, *NSYNC, 98
> Degrees, or what any other guy looks like for that
> matter.
>
>
>
> 15. We may not be able to pee accurately all of the
> time, but at least
> we can stand up and go pee.
>
>
>
>
> 16. Just cause you think you're always right,
> doesn't mean that you
> don't have to apologize when you do something "wrong."
>
>
>
> 17. You expect us to say and do sweet things for
> you, but it would be
> nice if you did the same every once in a while. We
> like to know that
> you love us.
>
>
>
>
> 18. We can't always be spontaneous, so try to help
> us make the plans
> sometimes.
>
>
>
>
> 19. Don't ask us to beat up another guy for you,
> cause you might get
> what you wish for.
>
> 20. Never kick us in the nuts "just to see what we
> would say". That's
> just mean.
>
>
> 21. Never pretend like you are going to break up
> with us and laugh
> when we believe you.
>
>
>
>
> 22. Pamela Anderson's boobs aren't fake anymore, but
> we like yours
> better anyway.
>
>
>
>
> 23. Size doesn't matter, except to idiots who don't
> want a
> relationship.
>
>
>
>
> 24. PMS is not an excuse.
>
>
>
>
> 25. If you want us to put the seat down when we're
> done, you should
> put it up when you're done.
>
>
>
>
> 26............ Don't tell us how cute your
> ex-boyfriend was. That
> doesn't turn us on.
>
>
>
>
> 27. And always remember: The way to a guys heart is
> through his
> stomach..... and maybe....oh never mind.
>
>
>
>
> 28. NEVER ask us to kiss other guys. You might be
> that comfy with your
> friends, but to us it's just wrong.
>
> 29. We always notice how funny it is after you rip
> out our heart,
> stick it down our throat and still want to be friends.
>
>
> 30. And last but not least: We know you're not
> always right, but we'll
> pretend like you are anyway.

Last edited on Thu Aug 21st, 2008 03:23 am by Dixie Girl



____________________
War Means Fighting And Fighting Means Killing - N. B. Forrest When war does come, my advice is to draw the sword and throw away the scabbard." Stonewall Jackson


 Posted: Thu Aug 21st, 2008 12:24 pm
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47th Post
Dixie Girl
Southern Belle


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GRANDMA: The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a
honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.I was feeling particularly sassy
that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance,
followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put
in on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just
lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that
the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because
if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.I found that LOTS of people
love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started
honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed,
"for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for
Jesus.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and
started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my
horn a few times to share in the love.

There must have been a man from
Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny
beach... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle
finger stuck up in the air.

When I asked my teenage grandson in the back
seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck
sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned
out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out
laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.A couple of
the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of
their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to
pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light
had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove
on through the intersection.I noticed I was the only car that got through
the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad
that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the
car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good
luck sign one last time as I drove away.



____________________
War Means Fighting And Fighting Means Killing - N. B. Forrest When war does come, my advice is to draw the sword and throw away the scabbard." Stonewall Jackson


 Posted: Thu Aug 21st, 2008 12:27 pm
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48th Post
Dixie Girl
Southern Belle


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22 things guys should know about girls


1.) If she calls more than 3 times within a 4 hour time span, she's not just calling to talk- she's calling because she wants to hear your voice.
2.) She may smile and seem interested when you talk about your girlfriend, but if she really likes you, on the inside, she's screaming.
3.) No girl will ever admit to being too skinny.
4.) If a girl makes herself available to talk to you at all hours, she's either fallen for you or your girlfriend.
5.) When a girl whines and complains about her parents, she's not trying to whine and complain; she's just trying to relieve her stress to someone she thinks cares.
6.) Every girl wants to be dreamed about.
7.) Just because she smiles at your jokes doesn't mean they're funny.
8.) We enjoy staying in groups with our friends; we really, really like the buddy system. So, if you're anxious talking to a girl when she's in 'pack mode', just wait until her and a friend leave the group- that's when she's the easiest to talk to.
9.) Girls won't wait on someone to love them forever. Eventually, we get tired and move on, so if you like her too, tell her.
10.) We may say we don't get jealous, but we all are.
11.) If a girl offers to help you with something without you asking, she either likes you or she likes you.
12.) Talking to guys is a major thing; most of the time, we rehearse everything we could possibly say in our heads to make sure it sounds fine.
13.) Pick up lines are terrible. Girls hate them, even if they are funny.
14.) If a girl spends more than an hour putting on make up, she's self-absorbed and self-concious.
15.) Dating a guy who stresses over everything we do only stresses us out even more.
16.) A girl's biggest fear is being rejected. If you're going to say no, at least be friendly about it- never, ever just say no and walk away.
17.) If a girl catches you looking at her, she's immediantly wondering about it. It's like, 'Why is he looking at me?' or 'I wonder what he's thinking...' But stare at her too often and she's apt to feel uncomfortable around you.
18.) We don't intentionally mean to be bitchy. We're just overloaded with stuff and that's how it comes out.
19.) Girls are very fickle. One day we may say that we like that red and black shirt, but tomorrow we might just hate it. It's just the way we are.
20.) We a girl calls a guy for the first time, she may sound cool and collected, but she's really freaking out inside. It's like, "OMG, what the hell do I say?!!! WHAT DO I SAY!?!?!?"
21.) If a girl calls you crying, it's because she trusts you to help her sort out her problems, whatever they may be.
22.) When a girl refuses to talk to you, you've messed up big time.

Last edited on Thu Aug 21st, 2008 12:31 pm by Dixie Girl



____________________
War Means Fighting And Fighting Means Killing - N. B. Forrest When war does come, my advice is to draw the sword and throw away the scabbard." Stonewall Jackson


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 Posted: Thu Oct 2nd, 2008 01:11 am
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Mr Hess53
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an over-friendly midget walked into a bar and kissed everyone in the joint



 Posted: Thu Oct 2nd, 2008 01:22 am
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Mr Hess53
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A man and his wife were backing out of their driveway in their car.

They accidentley backed over a skunk, killing him.

A cop was driving by, and saw what happened

The cop stopped, and gave them a $50 ticket for killing the skunk.

A couple of days later, the couple was backing out of their driveway.

Again, they back over another skunk, killing it.

They look at each other, totally shocked.

The husband sez, "quick hide the skunk before that cop comes by again!"

His wife asks, "What should I do with it?"

Hubby replies, "Hide him under your skirt!!"

"What about the smell?" the wife asks

Her husband sez, "Don't worry, he's dead. He won't mind it!"



 Posted: Thu Oct 2nd, 2008 02:07 am
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Dixie Girl
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thats funny



____________________
War Means Fighting And Fighting Means Killing - N. B. Forrest When war does come, my advice is to draw the sword and throw away the scabbard." Stonewall Jackson


 Posted: Thu Oct 2nd, 2008 04:14 am
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javal1
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I'm not a prude , but we may have some as members, so let's please watch the risqueness (is that a word?) of the jokes.



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 Posted: Fri Oct 3rd, 2008 01:17 pm
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javal1
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Perhaps you took my comment as an invitation to debate. It wasn't. Play by the house rules or don't play.



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 Posted: Sun Oct 5th, 2008 03:06 pm
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Widow
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During the French Revolution, three men were led to the guillotine, a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer.

The doctor was first.  The executioner released the blade, it fell swiftly, but stopped six inches above the victim's neck.  The crowd roared, "It's a miracle!"  So the doctor was let go.

Next, the lawyer.  Again the blade dropped, this time only three inches from him.  Once more the crowd shouted for his release.

Last, it was the engineer's turn.  As they took him up the steps, he looked up, considered carefully, and remarked "You know, I think I see the problem."

Patty aka Widow



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